Cross Wrote:First of all, I want to say that I wasn’t planning on writing this stuff, but my doctor and Snacky say it might help me get better.

I am 28 years old and ever since I remember I was contantly mentally and physically abused by either my schoolmates, neighbors or even my family. This is probably the biggest thing that shape the person I am now and here I am. For years I suffer from depression, eating disorders and I already tried to commit suicide 3 times.
My doctor said that sharing my story with the community I feel closest to will make me feel better, that saying all of this, will help me leave this behind. I decided to post it here, as TWC is the first community I felt close to. Mostly thanks to Imma and Snacky.

My very first memory is my mother yelling at me, I do not even remember how and why it happened, but it got stuck in my head. I have a sister that it’s 3 years older than me and she always was the center point in our family. While she was praised, I was yelled at. When we were kids, we kinda stolen cookies from the shop, while I was yelled at and was grounded, my sister was only ‘warned’.
For years, for entire kindergarten, elementary school and gymnasium and even in high school my parents and most of my family were reminding me how stupid I am, how I am worse than my sister, how I should be more like her, how the life choices I made were idiotic (when I had no choice at all). My parents never, ever hit me though but I think, what they made is even worse. They made me feel like I am worse, and these thoughts are still here with me, and they will be forever.

In schools, I always had troubles with other kids. Kids are cruel and they can abuse you for the little thing, and I was the always alone kid, a fat one, the four eyes, a bookworm, the one that did not liked their jokes, the one that ignored them. I was constantly abused mentally and physically in ALL schools I were in and when normal people say their years in high school are their best memories, they are the worst memories I have.
While in elementary school and gymnasium I also was abused, we were a little kids that did not understood a single thing we did. High school on the other hand, people were doing that on purpose. In high school I was already over 100 kg, with big glasses and I was complete shut-in that tend to ignore others bcs of no good memories with other people. I had 0 friends and no one I could go to and share things that hurts me.
My class chose me for the guy that will be abused, they were beating me every day, never too hard, never in visible places, so teachers would not see it. The one that did it were always 2 guys that were protected by teachers for their involvement with sports for school. I tried to go to the teachers few times, since all tries failed, I stopped doing that. I am a weak person myself and I was a kid that never could hurt other person, even if they are hostile towards me. I despise violence, I always will, and whole school at one point decided to use that. I was the one they could beat, use, abuse without getting into troubles. Few times they beat me so hard I had to go to hospital and my parents were always the ones that stopped doctors and police from going to the school to discover what really happened. No one ever listened to me, I was alone and I already felt like this world would not even feel it when I kill myself.

My first attempt was in high school after 3rd story with hospital, I felt like I was not needed, I felt like shit, I felt like something was wrong with me. I hated myself, I hated myself for being such a pacifist that even have problems with smashing A BUG.
It was also the time I started to discover my own sexuality and saw that I am also attracted to guys. I am a bi and it made me feel even lonelier and different from others.
I hated myself for being scared of everyone and I chose the fast route and tried to kill myself. I swallowed enough pills to do it, I did it when my parents were out for few days. My sister was already working and decided to stay at her boyfriend’s place. He came to my place bcs my sister asked him to grab something. He had her keys and came in. He was the one that found me and called an ambulance. My parents and my entire family never, ever tried to talk with me. Doctors were concerned more about me than my own family.

Next few years I spent, college, first work, I did on autopilot, I never thought about it, I never tried to improve, change my life since I felt like I am weak to do it on my own. I never got a person I could rely on. Things changed for better when I met Agatha, she talked to me, she tried to help me and seemed to like me for a person I was. We decided to be together, as a couple. I never was that happy. Things changed though, for worse, the worst It ever was. One day she said she met someone else and that she is breaking up with me. I was devastated but I was somehow holding up, she did improved my mental state and helped me get better. But it was too much for me, when I discovered, by an accident, that the guy she met was one of the 2 guys that abused me the much in high school. It was too much for me, without even thinking about it I went to empty part of the city and took a lot of pills and drank a lot of alcohol. A homeless men found me and went for help. They helped me, but it took them a lot. Aftermath of this try is visible even now, my health got worse and I have a troubles with heart and blood itself. I was that close to death, and from what doctor said, I WAS dead for a while.

That was 3 years ago, for all this time I was taking antidepressants and tried to function in this world, alone without having someone I could rely on. To be honest, nothing really happened until I joined TWC. I tried to make friends through the internet since I could not make them in real life. It helped, a lot. It helped that much that doctor said that we can ditch antidepressants. It was a mistake. I had a bad week, I run into Agatha and this guy and saw them with their son. It reminded me of everything bad that happened in my life. I grabbed the pills, again. Only this time I forced myself to throw out and I called an ambulance myself. Why I did that? Bcs when after I swallowed them, Snacky, Imma and Chris appeared in my mind.

Snacky, Imma and Chris, I do not think you will ever understand how glad I am I have met you. How grateful I am and I owe you so much, that I will never be able to repay you for what you did to me. You are the first people I truly trust, you are the first ones I shared my story and experiences with. You are my first, and for now the only TRUE FRIENDS I ever had. And I see that I needed this much to see how nice life can be. Our little talks on ts, steam, fun time we had playing games, these are my happiest memories. Bcs I finally did something with someone I can call FRIEND. You changed me, for better, you made me trust people some more. You made feel important. You made me feel good for the person I am. You are the one that stopped the darkness in my heart, and trapped it behind a huge wall.

Here I am, writing my story, crying like a little girl while doing that fearing what will happen if you read it.

Sorry if something seems weird or out of place, I wrote it in polish first and tried to translate it, something I did not do in long years.